It's been a long time

I stumbled upon this blog when I logged in after a good 1.5 years and I realized, with deep regret how I have changed.

What was my simplebigdream? I still remember, yes. But is it still the same simple big dream? No it isn't, but it still can be considered a simple big dream.

But age has caught up, the young person I was just barely 2 years ago with dreams and vigor has become a skeptic and somebody who does not seem to know what is what anymore. I know success does not come overnight, but right now it seems like an extremely arduous journey, perhaps very much self imposed.

Barely just 3 weeks into my first job after graduation I am already feeling tired. Tired of working. Being a fresh grad am I not supposed to bring life and energy to the workplace and have a passion to succeed? Yes, I still think I have it within me to do so. But it eludes me, and I know why.

I am thankful for a good job. Relatively. Yes, the role I am in is not easy to come by; we had to go through 4 rounds of interviews. Still, I think I am more than that. Although by many standards I am thankful I am where I am comparatively, but you want to compare yourself with the best do you not? And not the average.

I am thankful that I am in a firm that I think is the best if not 2nd best in the industry, in the world. This will mean a lot of opportunities, but what kind of opportunities?

I am unhappy in the role I am in. Having just a sniff into what the department's role does, I feel my capabilities will be severely undermined. Yes, I am new and there is so much to learn, and I do not profess to know every single thing. But eventually I will, and eventually I will think this will be - yes I mean it - beneath me. Especially enunciated when I look at certain work the other department just across the room does and I realize those are the stuff I used to excel in during my college days.

I am unhappy with not being challenged at an intellectual level. Being a statistical person, I do recognize that there is a bell in everything, even amongst intelligent people. I hate to be one of the better ones around. Of cause I am new, there are seriously many things to learn and I definitely cannot compare up to those who have years of experience. But something is seriously wrong when you think you are more intelligent than some if not most people. I entered this industry to surround myself with really smart people, and this is how you will grow and learn. I want somebody to challenge my ideas and convince me like how some peers in school can, but it seems not to be the case here. It boils down to, again, the type of role I am in I guess.

I am unhappy with the fact that the girlfriend earns 5 times my salary. Mind you my salary is not even on the low side. And it does not help that she expects me to eventually play "catch up", of cause to which I strongly will aim for, but not for the sake of catching up. But given a difference like that and a 2 year head start, when can I ever do so, unless something radical happens?

I look at people who start in "ideal" jobs I want and cringe with envy, thinking of the could-haves and should-haves.
I look at friends doing the same thing but earning 20% more base salary and I wonder why is it that way.
I look at myself and I see the immense potential that is slowly being tucked away and forgotten.
I feel tempted to take the easy way out and give excuses that life can be really simple and it's the simple things that count.

I need someone stronger than I am, a mentor, a friend to tell me the things I already know. To scold and apprehend me for the falling into inaptness. To inspire, and to guide.

And this person should not be the girlfriend. But she so happens to fit the bill best, and that sucks totally.